OzzieOzzie's Xanga

Monday, October 23, 2006

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 00:38:23 GMT

The below message has allegedly been written by John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

WOW another entry in such a short time!!!!

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 03:50:17 GMT

This is gonna be a shortish entry detailing the last two days (well evenings really).

On friday evening, Chris, Myself and one of our mates Rob, went cruising down the river to Newfarm Park to go the Brisbane Power House (Basically a theatre) to see the Australian Guitar Quartet, commonly known as Saffire. We got there about 2hrs early, due to the fact that we werent sure how long the City Cat would take because more people than normal would be using it, because the Riverside Expressway was closed because a two metre long and 0.5cm deep crack was found in the bridge. So we got our tickets sorted, and then went downstairs to the bar/restaurant called Watt. We ordered food, I got the Pork and Cabbage Dumplings with a side of chips and Aioli, Chris got the fish and chips and rob got the Kangaroo Spring Rolls. I rekon that we as australians have the tastiest national animal in the world :). Anyway, when we finished we went upstairs just in time for the doors to be open. We went in and sat down, where the Compere told us that the theatre had a phone jammer, if someones phone went off, someone from backstage would come out and jam.... The concert was so cool, they were playing rennaisance music with a modern twist. They finished with two songs from riverdance, and then came back on for an encore and played a Deep Purple song. Chris and Rob got their new CD signed, I would have but my money stash was a little low, so i missed out *sad panda*. We got the last city cat back to the uni and that was basically the night.

Last Night (saturday) a whold group of us caught the bus to the city and walked across the bridge to southbank. We met up with someone at the train station and met two others outside the Restaurant. We were all their for one our mates birthdays. We went to the restaurant that we were going to go to, but we didn't make a reservation (for nine people no less) so they obviously didn't have a table. We tried a place a few metres down, they had tables but it was raining fairly heavely, so they couldn't use the tables. We tried across the street and they had tables free, so we ate there. I had a 350g rib eye and a morton bay Bug (small lobster/big prawn). Now at this point the rain was getting heavier, which wasn't too bad because we were undercover. When we finished there, we went back across the street to a place called "Cold Rock". Its an ice cream place where you pick your ice cream and add anything you want, from snickers to jelly babies etc. Then we went and caught the city cat back. Me and one other stood out the front in the rain and got fairly wet, but we were the smart ones, because out of everyone there only four of us had rain jackets/coats. It was a pretty good night. When we got back to the uni, we took the long way back to college for some reason, even though it takes like twice as long. As I said it was a good night even though it rained a fair bit.

This will probably be my last update until like late november or early december. Because its getting to that time of year when exams etc are near.

David signing off

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 08:06:56 GMT

The Darwin Awards 2006

In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's Darwin Awards-- the annual honour given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year as been keen. And the candidates this year are.............

* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's
just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:
* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Shit happens!"

Monday, October 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 06:40:18 GMT

Hmm, lets see where to begin. I reckon the best place to start would be the beginning. Now lets see when my last real update with any information was *frantically looks at previous page*. So the last one for me was when I was in Bahrain, I assume Chris kept you up to date *checks Chris’ xanga*

Okay so Chris kept you up to date for a while then everything stopped. So here it is:

Not much happened during the first half of the semester, there were a few things like the

Emmanuel Ball, I didn’t go because its basically a big piss up.
Crommie Bunker for the same reason
The Races (See above for reason)
Fresher Rome ^

Then came Theatre Restaurant, again I didn’t go but that’s largely because I am lazy, its so much a piss up for the audience (until after the show) but the actors are all pretty wasted before during and after the show.

Chris and I have met up with Danny a few times this semester, we met in the city once, had some lunch and then went to the cinema (I forget which movie), Danny came to college and we went to Indro, had some food at a place called CAFÉ eXcess. Chris and I had the steak and mushroom pie (for some reason it’s been the special since Chris and I got to Brisbane in Feb 2005) and I believe that Danny had the chicken and avocado sandwich with a coke. Chris and I have milkshakes. We then went to the book shop, computer game shop, and generally walked around for a bit, I think we went to the cinema as well can’t remember. Shows how my mind works (all food lol)

A few weeks ago we went with Danny down to the gold coast and met up with Jess and went to Sea World. Had some fun there, we went on the Bermuda Triangle ride first, and then we went to the Sea Lion show (pretty cool). We then went for lunch I had the fisherman’s basket (can anyone say irony), when we had finished eating we went to catch the Dolphin show (really cool made me sort of wish I had done Marine Biology). Then we went to the shark bay area and walked around the underwater viewing area and then went to the touch pools, where you can touch sea cucumbers, star fish etc. Then we stopped off at the Polar Bear area (I want one). Then the rest went on the Pirate Ship ride and the cork screw, I didn’t because my back was a little sore (slept funny the night before). Then we went to the gift shop, I got a 30cm tall Polar Bear that stands on its hind legs for 15bucks marked down from 39, I thought it was a bargain. Then we headed back to Brisbane, and stopped off at the cheesecake shop on the way, I got a Chocolate Treasure Cake, still have a little under half in my fridge.

Bear in mind that this is in no particular order,

On the 3^rd Sept, the wing went to Toowong Lawn Bowls for the after noon. Three of us, Chris, me , and Sarah went by car to set up, ie get the barbeque and make the arrangements. The guy there showed the three of us how to bowl, and then we played a few ends. The rest of the guys showed up about 20mins later, and they got their lesson, and then we played for a bit, and me and sarah started to cook the food on the barbeque. Christ they gave us a lot of food, from the amount of meat they gave us it looked like we were expected to eat a cow and half. Any way, we cooked the food, then bowled for a bit, then cooked the rest of the food and bowled some more. A few of the guys had a system; anyone that bowled in their lane (I guess that’s what it’s called) and went over the end had to do a tequila shot. Needless to say a few of the blokes had a fair few shots.

Not My best Photo But a Photo none the less. The others are (LtoR) Brock, Alan, Laura, Hamish and Josh

(LtoR) Brock, Brunei (James) and Me. This is the first lot of food

Thats Chris bowling there, The fellow behind him is Andrew

A week ago we had the AGM where we voted in the new members of the student club, The positions were all taken by the right people, with the exception of the controversial Councillor position, basically we all voted, then the votes were counted the result was disputed by an existing member of the student club, so another was taken. The principal of the college said that they shouldn’t have so they counted the original again, the result was announced and that was the end of it. In my opinion though the way they announced the result seemed as if they just pulled a name out of a hat, but that’s just me being paranoid.

Any way that’s pretty much all the big things that happened since Chris updated. I’m sure if I missed anything out Chris will point it out.

By the way I remember, when Chris, Danny and I were at indro we did go to the cinema. We saw Thank You for Smoking, a delightfully satirical comedy. Oh yeah and before I forget, when Chris was at one of his pipe band contests (Ipswich one maybe), I and one of my mates Matt helped out one of the admins at college by working at her Teddy Bear Exhibition. We were the security, or as I like to call us the ENFORCERS. Anyway, that was a pretty boring day, 7 till 4. We got $120 for the day though, so it wasn’t to bad. We went to the cinema after and saw Dead or Alive wasn’t too bad, but it was basically 1.5hrs of Chicks in bikinis (not that I’m complaining of course).

Now I promise that I’m done.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 03:30:12 GMT

Just a quick update to let everyone know that I am still alive and kicking. I'll post a big juicy update in about a week, after the mid semster break.

Give the video a little time to load

Look its amazing!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 13:55:30 GMT

Just some animations that show the differing views of the Zidane head-but incident. They may also be of amusement to everyone. And something to help keep Vickys mind of these turbulent times.

As seen by the Germans:

As seen by the French:

As seen by the Italians:

As seen by the AMERICANS:

As reported by the Press

Now an update for the past week.

The weather here in bahrain has been dismal. Basically a small dust storm covered the island for about 4days, making it hard to do anything, like going to the pool etc.

We went to the cinema on Wednesday (i think may have been thursday), but anyway, we saw Pirates of the Carribean Dead Mans Chest. Not a bad film, but i did not care much for the ending, won't spoil it in case anyone hasn't seen it, but if you did the whole movie basically sets up the third movie. Like the prolouge of a book. Most dissapointing.

Apart from that chris and I have been scanning dads old papers onto the computer so that he can get rid of them. Its not hard work but its fairly boring. Not much time left in bahrain for chris and I, we leave on Wednesday 19th in the evening, so thats like 3 days from tomorrow.

No other plans at the moment, might do a little bit of shopping in singapore for cd's, dvd's, or computer pariphinalia (or however its spelt), but apart from that just taking it easy, maybe relaxing by the pool for a couple of days. May meet up with someone chris knows from college/uni, depending on how time works out.

But in 1 weeks time on the 24th chris and I are back at Uni until nov. And depending on how things work out we may be back in time to catch the V8 supercars from australia at the BIC on NOV 22nd. If not we may stay a few more days to catch the first day of the first Ashes test on the 23rd Nov. Either way it should be fun.

When we see danny we'll say hi from the rest of you, assuming you want us to. Thats only because as far as I know she won't be back over christmas due to her housing arrangement.

Bye for now

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 13:46:56 GMT

Time for some more wierd and Wacky Photos

Look Behind YOU!!!

Look Closely at its back (Hippie maybe?)

Its Orange

FIGHT!!!

Look its Re-newable source of Globes

He's in big trouble

Food fights back

Don't sit down

So thats whats under there

Now what entry is complete with out a tribute to the almighty CHUCK NORRIS

"When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC."

"Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" "

"If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. "

"Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. "

"The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. "

"Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. "

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 13:57:42 GMT

Greetings all.

Just thought I should update. Lets see in the past week or so, havent really done much, went to the Cinema on Sunday with Chris and Sumudu. Rishi showed up later, and Rima decided it was more important to have a nap then to go with rishi go figure, I mean it was like at 6.00pm. Anyway the movie was good, then we went for some food at Chilli's followed by ice cream at Hagen Das.

On Wednesday watched france beat protugal at Warbler with sumudu, Roy, Chris, Rishi and some other people. This was after we went bowling at funland with the same people and Darren was there for the bowling only. We went to Yum yum tree for dinner then went to Warbler.

Thats really about all thats been happening apart from a couple of visits to the school to talk to some of the teachers.

Anyway, rember those photos that Vicky was putting up, the vegie animal hybrids. Well my mum got some of the same sort of photos in her email from one of her friends. I will share them with you now:

Crocodile Shoes

Cauliflower Sheep

Dont eat me

Earth and Moon

Coming to an Amusment park near you (maybe)

Avoid this

Don't worry if you lose your head, these guys have you covered

There will be more to come at a later date. But in the mean time here are some Chuck Norris jokes that I know Rishi will appreciate seeing as he only has like 2

"Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it."

"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean"

"Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." "

"Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf."

"Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card. "

"Chuck Norris invented water."

Okay so a bit more than a few, but its worth it if you get this far in the reading

Monday, June 26, 2006

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 17:30:32 GMT

I just thought that I should share this with the rest of you. I thought it was fairly amusing. Give the video time to load. If it doesnt work I have pasted the link below as well.

Video and Code Provided by BoFunk.com

This is basically in lue of not actually updating, seeing that nothing exciting has happened yet. I may put up some pictures at a later date. The emphasis is on the maybe. Anyway here is the hyperlink for the video if it doesnt work:

http://www.bofunk.com/video/3487/cane_toad.html

Friday, April 14, 2006

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 04:40:18 GMT

My update...........Finally,

HAPPY RISHI??????? (Only joking)

I might add that you seem to be a little anoyed wherever you have commented recently

Lets see where to begin. The semester started off without any trouble and as of yet there is still no trouble. I think chris may have mentioned but the wings are segregated (chicks up top and guys down the bottom), and if he hasn't then I just mentioned it. Just finished the first half of what was a fairly hectic start. Within the first 4 weeks we had to submit a group project of a mass balance of a Potassium Sulphate Crystalisation Plant. That was fairly tough to to get done.

It was pretty good because we got to know the other members in our group pretty well. We went to the casino at the end of week 3. No one really bet on much except for me chris and Matt. The others were playing it safe on roullette and only going for red or black. They mostly broke even. I lost 20 bucks on the pokies (basically slot machines) and then proceeded to loose another 50 on BlackJack. Even when I was like 50 up. So technically I lost like 100 overall but Im calling it 70.

At the moment we I've had two mid-semesters, one I know the results (failed) the mark for this one isnt really counted its just a pass fail thing. But there are three attempts at it, and if you fail all three you cant pass the course (hence the loads of pressure)

In most of my free time i've been chillaxing (chilling and relaxing) with mates or playing pc games. BIG FUN!!!!!!!!!

The breaks only just begun, and most of the people downstairs in my wing have left. Theres only 6 people left I think thats about half of the people and more a still going to be leaving in the next couple of days.

We have another assignement due on like May 6th its even bigger than the last one. Its is a mass balance over a paper recycling plant. EVEN BIGGER FUN

I try to get some pics for the next post. But untill then I leave you with one final thought:

"Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living S*@& out of everything that was thrown at him, and the
game forfeited"

I thought it was quite funny anyway. (If you don't get it you obviously dont know who chuck norris is. If thats the case then google him)

All right one more final thought.

Courtesy of the South Park Movie

General:	After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So let's strategize! Map! [a holographic rotating globe appears, which is replaced by a 3-D map of Canada] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands. [the black batallion, led by Chef, riases its hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield."
Chef:	Hey, wait a minute!
General:	Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Everyone else in room raises hands] Right. You are "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion 5, here. [the map animates to show the darkies getting shot down by planes as the white troops move in behind them.] And try not to get killed, for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?
Chef:	Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General:	I don't listen to hip-hop.